the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
