i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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