I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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