Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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