too bad you live with your parents still
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
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Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
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Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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