how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
