I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
