my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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