the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
