I faked an abortion last night.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
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