I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
