this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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