he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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