sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
