even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
