So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
