I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
COCAINE IS GR8
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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