just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I had to cum in my sink.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
