pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
