And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
