Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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