I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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