Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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