I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
