mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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