I haven't been this sober since birth.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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