i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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