In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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