Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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