I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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