our cab driver is having phone sex.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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