I met the friendliest cop last night
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's shark week go big or go home
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
