I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
