my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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