Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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