We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
