I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
