It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
