I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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