His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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