trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
