A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
