At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize