Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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