i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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