I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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