I think I died a long time ago.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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