Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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