great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
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it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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