She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
