you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
