I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He shit in the fireplace
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
