We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
