Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
