You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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