Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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