We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
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I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
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We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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