between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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