Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
